A man’s experience in an improv comedy class has sparked a viral conversation about communication and relationships.
James Earl (u/thegymsensei), 40, shared on Threads that he attended an impromptu improvisation class and left with an insight that made him reflect on human connection. The post has since garnered over 43,000 views.
Earl, an entrepreneur, said that, in improv, when your scene partner makes an offer, you have two choices: build on it with “yes, and …” or shut it down with “but.” He recalled one thing the instructor said that stayed with him—“‘but’ is a soft no.”
“Honestly, taking that improv class caught me off guard in the best way. I thought I was just there to have fun, but when the instructor said, ‘But is a soft no,’ it felt like it hit me right in the chest,” Earl said.
Earl illustrated how this works in practice:
- “But” shuts down the story:
Partner: “We finally bought a house together!”
You: “Yes, but we’re selling it tomorrow.”
Earl said that moment “basically ghosted your own scene,” leaving nowhere for the story to go. - “Yes, and” builds connection:
Partner: “We finally bought a house together!”
You: “Yes, and I already built a secret panic room for when your mom visits.”
This version, Earl explained, creates a new layer to explore—a punchline, a relationship dynamic, and forward momentum.
“I left feeling challenged but inspired. It made me want to be more intentional about turning toward people in all areas of my life to build connection instead of accidentally creating distance,” he added.
What struck him was how similar this is to what psychologist John Gottman calls “bids for connection,” the small moments when someone reaches out with a comment, a joke, or even just a look that says, Do you see me?
The Gottman Institute says that couples who turn toward these bids—rather than ignoring them—are more likely to build trust, intimacy, and what Gottman calls a “shared meaning system” in their relationship. Consistently turning away, even in small ways, can erode connection over time.
Earl concluded that, both in improv and in life, turning toward others keeps connection alive. “But” might feel harmless, but it can become a subtle roadblock to intimacy, growth, and even joy.
Improvisation itself is built on the principle of collaboration. As Backstage notes, improv actors work without a script, relying on trust and spontaneity to create scenes together. Games like “Yes, and” and “No, but” are standard training exercises for performers, designed to teach them to listen actively, build on ideas, and keep the story moving forward.
The post resonated widely on Threads. “Beautiful musings—absolutely true,” wrote Damian.
“This is why I have the word YES tattooed on me,” added Jerry.
Colleen noted the contrast to writing, where “But” is a writer’s best friend because it sets up roadblocks that can then propel the story forward, giving your characters obstacles to overcome.
Another user commented: “I teach this exercise in Leadership classes. It’s eye-opening.”
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